women

The Safest Place

I attended a conference earlier this year and heard a presentation from Elyse Fitzpatrick, a Christian counselor and author, who has been counseling for more than 50 years. During a Q&A following her presentation, she was asked what progress she has seen the Christian church make over the last 50 years in the field of counseling.

She answered, “One place I think we’ve seen a lot of progress is in caring for women who are in abusive relationships. I think it’s a good thing, and we’re finally doing that better. We don’t really get it yet, but I think that people are trying to do a better job caring for women who are in abusive relationships, whereas let’s say 15 years ago people would say, ‘Oh you’re having trouble with your husband, it’s because you need to submit more.’ I trust that that’s changing. I think I see a push for that.”

The pastor interviewing her then asked, “You’ve done a ton of counseling over the years. Was that a common response?” She replied, “Yeah, very common. Over and over, yes. And I’ll be honest, you know, there was – I’m trying to think carefully – I don’t think I saw the way abuse, I don’t think I saw it in Christian marriages the way I see it now.” The interviewer asked, “Can you expand on that? How do you see it now?”

Fitzpatrick answered, “I think a lot of what passes for the way that women, Christian women, are told to be in their marriages, I think that that gives birth to or weight to really abusive relationships.”

The interviewer then asked what she meant by that, so she gave the example of a man who has a problem with pornography and said, “And that’s not like so unusual, like 65% of men in the church say that they view porn more than once a month.”

“So, a woman comes in and she says, ‘My husband’s got this porn thing happening.’ And she’s told, ‘Well, you know, if you’d lose 15 pounds…’”

The pastor asked, “So that’s the counsel people are getting?” “Uh, yeah,” she answered, “You know, be more sexually available, because his sin is your fault. See, women are saying ‘yeah’? [referencing women in attendance who were vocalizing their validation of what she was describing] Because that’s a true thing that women are told…”

“‘Your husband has a problem with pornography, because you don’t want, you’re not sexually available to him all the time. Your husband gets angry with you because you’re not submitting enough.’”

It was my favorite moment of the three-day conference. I share the story, because too often I hear from pastors that what she describes is rare. But the testimonies I hear from women who reach out through the Conquerors through Christ website tell me that this experience is not rare.

According to Barna Research, 68% of church-going men seek out online pornography at least once per month, as well as about a third of church-going women. WELS is not immune to these stats.

I have heard from and about too many of our sisters in Christ who say the counsel they received from their WELS pastor was to be more sexually active, more sexually available, and more sexually willing. This essentially downplayed their husbands’ adulterous activity. They were told that their husband’s porn problem is, at least in part, their fault. While it is good that we have compassion for a man addicted to pornography, we cannot let that cause a lack of compassion for the woman who is left feeling unloved, unseen, and unvalued because of his addiction.

Let us not misapply Ephesians 5:22 and ask women to submit to their husbands’ sin. 1 Corinthians 7:4 does not give a man the right to objectify his wife as he attempts to excite himself by acting out a fiction he has seen. We need to recognize that the majority of the people in our congregations are either addicted to pornography, married to someone who is, or raising someone who is. This experience is sadly commonplace, and perhaps the reason we don’t realize it is we have shown ourselves to be dismissive of the struggle many women in particular face around this issue.

Pastors need to trust women. When a woman comes to her pastor and tells him that she knows her husband is actively viewing porn, the pastor needs to not only trust everything she says as true, but the pastor also needs to recognize that what she is doing is very difficult for her to do. She has finally brought herself to tell her pastor because she trusts him, and she needs help. God has particularly wired women for meaningful relationships, and in that moment, many of her meaningful relationships are threatened! Women who are hurting like this are part of our body as the church and we need to listen to every part of our body.

When a woman does the hard thing of telling her pastor about an issue that pains her, she needs a pastor who tells her that she’s not alone, she’s not the only one, and there is hope.

When a woman does the hard thing of telling her pastor about an issue that pains her, she needs a pastor who tells her that she’s not alone, she’s not the only one, and there is hope. Yes, there will be a time to work through forgiving her spouse and rebuilding trust, and maybe, God-willing, re-establishing intimacy. But that will take time, and it cannot be our first word to women who have been sinned against by the porn use of their husband.

Jesus says that the merciful will receive mercy, but first he says that those who mourn will be comforted. (Matt 5:4,7)

Let’s lead with comfort, brother pastors, and continue to remind our wounded sisters in Christ that in all our days of faithlessness, our faithful Husband, the Lord Jesus, holds on to us. He enables us to stand. He has already forgiven all our lovelessness.

Jesus perfectly loved his spouse (the Church) and that’s our record.

The Holy Spirit continues to enable us to walk this road and causes us to remember how he has loved us. He is faithful. We are not. But he loves us faithfully in spite of the weakness of our love. That’s good news and it’s the only news that will enable her to love and forgive her spouse, a fellow sinner, as he walks toward truth with her.

Loving and forgiving her spouse does not mean she needs to stay married. Maybe she will, and that can be great. But first, he needs to stop, and he needs help. In fact, stating that fact is the first step in helping that sister begin to show mercy. Only when his behavior is called out as the sin that it is can her heart be softened by Jesus’ love for her. Only when she hears that her Savior is on her side can she begin to see Him as an ally and stand with Him to forgive her husband.

Brad Snyder is a pastor in Boise, Idaho and serves as the chairman for Conquerors through Christ.

Idol of Love

Articles

Does Love Conquer All?

“Love Conquers All” is one of those phrases that people think belongs to the Bible that doesn’t really belong to the Bible. It belongs to a classical Roman poet by the name of Virgil, taken from book X of his Eclogues. It was written nearly 100 years before any of the New Testament was recorded. Like most powerful false beliefs, there is an element of truth in it. But ultimately, no, human love cannot solve all of our problems. Nonetheless, millions of us pursue it as though it has such power.

Many are controlled by the quest for romantic love. Have you met the young woman who simply cannot stand to be single because her personal value is so wrapped up in her association to and acceptance from a man? Have you met the woman who is so bitter and jaded regarding men that she has sworn off them altogether and will take any chance that she gets to tell you how they’re “good for nothing”? In different ways, both of these women show that their lives are controlled by the power of romantic love. Have you heard of the man who is such a chicken when it comes to intimacy and so selfish when it comes to pleasure that his most desired way to interact with women is behind closed doors through pornography? Have you met the man who has no desire to lead his family but idly sits back and sheepishly makes most decisions in his life simply with the goal of not upsetting his wife? In different ways, both of these men are controlled by the power of romantic love. I intentionally chose these examples so that you could see that not only on the extreme ends of aggressive dominance or passive neediness, but virtually everywhere in between, humans are inclined to do what they do so that they can somehow fill that gaping hole inside of them that seems to be crying out for intimacy and love. As the irreverently insightful 21st century sociologist and pop diva Ke$ha has noted, many live by the motto “Your Love is My Drug.” (I think I probably just ruined the word “insightful.”)

Jacob’s Quest for Love

There is an edgy, painful Old Testament account that quite clearly shows the futility of holding up romantic love as the answer to your problems. It is found in Genesis 29. Jacob, the son of Isaac and Rebekah, has stolen the birthright of his brother Esau. Why would he do such a thing, stealing from his brother by deceiving his father? Jacob wanted a piece of his father that his father wouldn’t give him….love. Isaac had favored Esau, the older, more manly of the two sons. The Bible says that “Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob.” (Gen 25:28) Jacob thought that if he could only get that birthright, then maybe he could quiet the inner demons that had convinced him he was unworthy of his father’s love and therefore worthless. So he got the birthright by any means necessary. And now his older brother was furious. Fearing the vengeance of Esau, Jacob fled from his home in Beersheba to the location of his Uncle Laban in Paddan Aram.

When Jacob got to Paddan Aram, he went to the region’s local watering hole (apparently the place where desperate singles went looking for companionship even then). While at the well, Jacob, for the first time, laid his eyes on the woman that he’d fall head over heels for, Laban’s daughter Rachel. This was the woman, so he thought, that would fill the void inside of him left by the absence of his father’s love. Just look at the reaction he has at first meeting: “When Jacob saw Rachel…(he) kissed Rachel and began to weep aloud.” (Gen 29:10-11) He’s lovesick. He must have her. Jacob goes to work for Laban (Rachel’s father) as a shepherd. Laban recognizes that even though Jacob is his family, he still deserves to be paid, so he asks Jacob what his price for labor is. Jacob responds, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.” (Gen 29:18) Just so we’re clear here, in ancient cultures, this type of bride-price dowry would have been fairly customary. However, this specific amount was enormous. It’s obvious that Jacob wants Rachel. He wants her badly, and Laban knows it.

Upon completion of his seven years of labor, Jacob goes to Laban and demands marriage to Rachel. But look at his language. He sounds like an addict in need of a fix, which wasn’t that far from the truth. He says, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her.” (Gen 29:21) Bible commentators will tell you that the words that Jacob speaks here are unusually coarse and carnal, but that should be obvious. Remember, he’s basically saying to Rachel’s father, “I need to have sex with your daughter right now!”

Laban agreed to make the wedding happen. They celebrated a grand feast, complete with ample adult beverages. At that time, brides were veiled until the consummation of the marriage. So, perhaps with the combination of a veil, the dim night light, and a couple too many drinks, Jacob failed to recognize that Uncle Laban had pulled the old switcheroo on him – he had substituted his older daughter Leah in the wedding ceremony for the one Jacob had loved, Rachel. And in the morning light, Jacob was just now realizing that he had spent his first night with his wife, but his wife was not Rachel.

It’s worth noting the Bible’s comparison between the two daughters of Laban. Genesis 29:17 says that “Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful.” Scholars have debated exactly what it meant that Leah’s eyes were “weak.” Some have suggested that perhaps she had bad eyesight. But if that was the case, the text would likely say that Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had very strong eyes. No, the contrast here is between Rachel’s tremendous beauty and Leah’s “weak eyes,” which leads us to assume that the phrase “weak eyes” is describing Leah as having an unattractive appearance. What’s abundantly apparent is that Rachel is a hottie and Leah is unfortunately a nottie. Jacob had fallen for Rachel and become obsessed with possessing her because of her great beauty.

Disappointed by Love

Understandably, Jacob is furious to find out that Laban had duped him into taking the wrong daughter as his bride. He confronted Laban about it. Laban offered up a lame excuse about how it’s not customary in his land to give away the younger daughter before the older daughter. So, Laban is to blame for being shady. However, Jacob shares the blame here as well for letting his hormones and obsession blind his good judgment. When he’d first asked Laban to marry Rachel, Laban never actually said “Yes.” He said, “It’s better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.” (Gen 29:19) That’s it. Perhaps Jacob would have picked up on Laban’s shadiness about the situation had he not been so obsessed with making a good thing (Rachel’s beauty) the ultimate thing (an idol) that he thought could cure his inner hurt.

By the way, if you’re wondering, men still try to do this with female beauty today as well. Old men dump their wives in favor of younger women because they think such romantic love will make them young again. Young men try to sleep with as many women as possible, simply because they’re trying to use such “romance” to validate their own prowess and power. Sleazy, right? Jacob using female beauty to try to solve his problems was a little sleazy. In that sense, men today are a little sleazy as well. But the truth is that every man who thinks that he can validate himself through sex, thinks he’s going to bed with Rachel, but wakes up realizing it’s Leah. What I mean is this – many men think that sleeping with a hot chick sounds like a good idea at the time, but the next morning, the guilt, regret, shame, and the weight of long-term emotional damage to two lives sets in. In general, romantic love & unbridled passion, if it truly is your god, will not solve your problems, it will destroy your life.

I don’t mean for this analogy to sound callous to Leah. But we have to be honest about the situation. Jacob didn’t truly love her. God was sympathetic to Leah about this as well, which is why he opened her womb while he closed Rachel’s. You see, the story continues as Jacob worked another seven years for Laban to receive Rachel as his wife, creating the most awkward of marital situations – two wives competing for their husband’s affection. In fact, in the next chapter of Genesis, the two women trade “who gets to sleep with Jacob tonight” for some mandrakes – what kind of messed up life is this! (Interestingly, both women valued these mandrakes so much because in ancient cultures, mandrakes were viewed as both an aphrodisiac, which Leah thought might help Jacob become more attracted to her, and as a fertility boost, which Rachel thought might help her conceive, causing Jacob to appreciate her more). Both were absolutely desperate for his love.

Obviously crushed by Jacob’s rejection of her in favor of her sister’s beauty, Leah rejoices when she first becomes pregnant by Jacob. Look at what she says, “It is because the LORD has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now.” (Gen 29:32) You see, romantic love controlled her life as much as it had controlled Jacob’s. She had a void inside of her that was caused by someone who was supposed to love her (her husband) not loving her. And now her desire for children is for all the wrong reasons. Leah becomes pregnant twice more with the hope that it will force Jacob to love her. Finally, when she conceives her fourth son, Leah gets it. Leah, who has reached rock bottom in trying to make romantic love answer her life problems, has a fourth son named Judah, and she says about him, “This time I will praise the LORD.” (Gen 29:35). After all this time, Leah now discovered that only the LORD can truly fill the void for love inside of us. Romance cannot. And if we believe all the Hugh Grant movies and Celine Dion anthems that tell us it can, then romantic love has become an idol for us, and it will be a curse in our lives, not a blessing.

Romantic, physical, intimate love is a beautiful thing. When used properly, it is seen as the great blessing from God that it is. I’m not suggesting otherwise. But it’s not the greatest thing.

Truly Fulfilling Love

The only one who can truly fill the inner void left by those who didn’t love us as they should have is Jesus. And fascinatingly, in the godly sense, Jesus descended from heaven, and in the worldly sense, he descended from the womb of…..Leah. Yes, he was the scepter who would come through her son Judah (Isaiah 49:10). No one knew rejection of earthly love like he did. Physical romance was not even part of his life, because the bride that he’d be coming back for was his Church. And yet he suffered and died to pay for all of the times we’ve mistakenly thought that human love would conquer all.

For those who have lived a single and celibate life, heaven holds an intimacy for you that far surpasses any moments of pleasure from this world.

For those who have been unloved by those who should have loved you, heaven holds for you a feeling of absolute completion, satisfaction, and unity that the missed love of your father, mother, ex-husband, ex-wife, ex-boyfriend, or ex-girlfriend never could have offered you anyway.

And for all of us, in this lifetime, sometimes, by God’s grace through the relationships that God blesses us with, we catch glimpses of what love really is. In heaven, we’ll know it so well that we can’t help but praise the LORD.

Thanks to author Pastor James Hein of St. Marcus Lutheran Church in Milwaukee, WI. This article is adapted from content that originally appeared on “Crossing my mind. Mind on the cross.” pastorjameshein.wordpress.com

Sex and the City

Articles

In the late 90s, HBO started becoming perceived as less of simply a cable video store as it started producing more of its own original content. Some of Hollywood’s talented younger writers, directors, and producers saw in the premium channel less restriction from Standards and Practices censorship and more creative license for their product. Consequently, HBO started producing edgy, highly acclaimed original series such as The Sopranos, Oz, and a critical darling targeted at young women called Sex and the City.

In many ways, SATC was considered a knockoff of an earlier network sitcom called The Golden Girls, which was only able to get away with half of its content because people considered little old ladies talking about sex as cute, quirky, and harmless enough.

The show follows a New York City writer named Carrie Bradshaw. Carrie is also the show’s narrator, and every episode is structured around an article she happens to be writing that week for a relationship column in a New York newspaper.

While in the 80s, a weekly show like Sex and the City, starring mostly women, addressing the content matter that it did, would have most likely been considered nearly unconscionable by the collective American public. But by the late 90s, it was met with great critical and consumer fanfare. In its six-season span, the show collected 54 Emmy nominations, 24 Golden Globe nominations, and 11 Screen Actors Guild nominations. Despite all its accolades, many Christians have denounced the overtly lewd and immoral content of the show. They’re not wrong, but we can still learn something from the influence of Sex and the City. The show is another painful reminder that Hollywood beat the church to the punch on the important issue of talking about sex. The Christian Church, by and large, shied away from openly and honestly addressing the delicate issue of sexuality for years and years and years. Sex and the City wasn’t shy at all. And while there is such a thing as an inappropriate fascination with the topic, it’s preposterous to have young people learning about sex primarily from locker rooms, or the internet, or TV, especially when you consider how much it’s on the minds of sexually maturing human beings.

GOD is the one who created humans to be sexual beings. Yes, God invented sex! God even inspired nearly an entire book of the Bible to be recorded about it – you know that one that remains virtually unstudied in most Bibles – Song of Songs? If we as Christian leaders and parents don’t have the courage to address difficult topics with young people who are naturally going to be curious, there eventually going to be instructed by someone (or some show) that shapes their understanding of what exactly is sexually “normal” and “healthy.” What will curious Christians conclude about sex from Game of Thrones, or from Ozark, or from Euphoria? They’re drawing a lot more conclusions from TV when mature Christians are silent about sex.

What was “magical” about Sex and the City?

Even apart from the risqué content of the show, from what I’ve seen, I found the show virtually unwatchable because of the main character’s notorious overuse of “puns” – the lowest, most groan-inducing form of humor I can imagine. The show is littered with them. My personal preferences notwithstanding, the show was, and continues to be, enormously influential.

The show reflected on television what many women were experiencing in real life: extravagant fashion, having a gay best friend, having multiple boyfriends, occasional one-night stands, women working outside of the home, the glamour of Manhattan. Some of those are good for a professional woman; some are neutral; some are certainly unhelpful influences, but seeing these things visible in mass media has endeared SATC to millions of women.

Okay, so how has it influenced us…spiritually?

A primary influence is overt sexuality, especially female sexuality. The overt sexuality in Sex and the City is far from God’s design. One of my favorite biblical warnings about human sexuality is what the Apostle Paul says to the Ephesians, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality.” (Eph. 5:3) What was once “hinted at” on TV, SATC went ahead and told the whole secret.

When Paul writes to the Romans, he mentions the commonness of departure from God’s design for human sexuality amongst females as a benchmark for how far a society has fallen from God – “Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones.” (Rom. 1:26)

For one reason or another, American media has historically presented women as more sexually virtuous than men. In the past, when Americans turned on the television they were accustomed to the male characters mentioning sex, pursuing sex, and feeling good about sex—even if it was immoral. (It’s not a great compliment to gentlemen.) Christians who strive for “not even a hint of sexual immorality” recognize stereotypes of male sexuality in media as problematic. In the past few decades, Hollywood has proposed a solution to that problem: They will portray female characters talking about sex, pursuing pleasure, and feeling good about sex—even if it’s immoral. Sex has always been part of God’s world for men and women alike, but a television show featuring women and their sexuality felt like something new for American media. SATC was part of a new era in which sexually liberated women on TV are just as far from God’s design for sex as the men on TV. It’s not hard to imagine some long-term implications for real life men and women.

To put it in other terms, a recent survey I was reading of 29,000 people at North American universities suggested that 51% of men spent up to five hours per week online for sexual purposes. The number of women in that category is 16%. Is the solution to that iniquity to help more women find sexual pleasure online? Maybe that’s the solution big porn companies want. Some women, the Sex and the City girls included, have taken the “may as well join them” attitude about sex. But that’s not the solution God wants. It’s also not what Christians want.

God’s solution is to satisfy the deep longings of every man’s heart and every woman’s not with a shallow click, or a temporary rush of dopamine, but with the unconditional approval of his grace-filled smile. God’s solution is to assure us that he will walk beside us as we navigate webs of temptation and he’ll bring support and forgiveness to every day. God’s solution is grace. God’s grace is what the Apostle Paul wrote about to his friend Titus, “For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope.” (Titus 2:11-12) That blessed hope of heaven and the grace of God that makes it possible is far superior to learning about sex from television shows.

God’s grace is unimaginably better than the good life as described on Sex and the City, or any other television show. But don’t wait for Hollywood to produce a show with the theme: “the grace of God teaches us to live godly lives.” Influencing the culture in that direction is our job.

Thanks to author Pastor James Hein of St. Marcus Lutheran Church in Milwaukee, WI. This article is adapted from content that originally appeared on “Crossing my mind. Mind on the cross.” pastorjameshein.wordpress.com

How long will this anger last?

FAQ

No one can tell you how long the anger will last. It may be weeks or months, and hopefully not longer. There will be times throughout the first year – maybe even into the second – when anger will return when a phrase, a smell, a person, or a sound trigger the painful memories. If you find yourself constantly angry, if it is disrupting life and the peace in your heart, seek professional counsel.

How do I know if my spouse, who is an addict, is telling me the truth now?

FAQ

This is a hard one. Be as open and fair as possible, and work to make a judgment based on analysis of all actions. Is there a change? Has help been sought? Is there a sponsor of some kind? These resources encourage honesty.

To whom can I talk for support (and should I talk to others or keep silent)?

FAQ

Be somewhat careful about opening up. We recommend that you do not to open up to all your friends and family. Some will be supportive, some will struggle to understand – and some may be very critical of you or your spouse. Speak with a counselor. Find a support group like COSA, AL-ANON or S-ANON. It would be better to keep quiet than to speak with a friend who will be critical or non supportive of you.

Should I serve as my spouse’s encourager/accountability partner?

FAQ

No, you should not. Your role is to be something different than their police officer, parent, or guard rail. They need someone who understands addiction; someone who has been there and is working recovery. It is also beneficial if the encourager/accountability partner is the same gender.

What is my responsibility in my spouse’s recovery?

FAQ

Your job is your recovery. You cannot Recover for someone else. Pestering or pressuring someone to Recover will not work. Cooperation and teamwork are valuable because they give responsibility to all parties involved.

For your personal recovery, focus on your vocations. Be the family member, church member, and member of society that God made you to be.

How much should I (do I) want to know about what my spouse does when viewing porn?

FAQ

This depends on you. You have 4 options:

Do nothing, know nothing and go on as if life is just fine. (It won’t stay that way.)
Know every detail of everything. This can be dangerous because detail can get in the way of forgiveness.
Know the “types” of things your partner has done.
Know the basic actions – watched porn, went to a sex shop, had an affair, visited a prostitute – so you know how to protect your marriage.
Simply know they are addicted to porn or sex and try to move forward.

Exactly what is a porn (sexual) addiction?

FAQ

Porn and sex addiction take place when a person has taken him/herself out of the context of right and wrong, losing control and the power of choice. It includes lust, in any form, and sex in any form, including sex with oneself.

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